Thoughts That Go Astray, or Stray Thoughts That I Have.

My mind is a great, and at times a terrible thing.  I pride myself on being pretty smart…to be frank I can be arrogant about my intelligence, which is one of my many faults.  For all my smarts I can sometimes be paralyzed by the thoughts in my head, or at the very least very distracted by them.  I see things very differently from most people, which allows me to do the many sexually wild/taboo/etc things that I do, but at the same time things that many take for granted mystify me or even just hold me back.

Because of the job I have, the commute I have and the structure of my family life I have a lot of time where I have to be someplace, but I am not required to be entirely “present” when I am there.  I end up spending a lot of time half mentally engaged in something, not able to check out, but not needing to fully focus.  The result is a lot of dead or captive time and a lot of unused mental bandwidth…an idle mind really is the devil’s plaything.

Like I suppose happens to most people, when my mind wanders but I am not free my mind often turns to negative thoughts and insecurity.  Or, just as often it can turn to flights of fancy with a negative, wishful bent.  Like, “I wish I was…” or “I wish I had….”  These thoughts don’t motivate me to change anything, and I realize that if I stop and really pay attention to them that they are either escapist fantasy, or they somehow, at their root, represent other things about me or my life that I want to go differently.  When I have the time to think on them they are constructive and give me insight. When I don’t take that time they can be really distracting and cause me to feel sad and regretful.

As a case in point.  This morning I had to go to a meeting at a facility off site from my usual work.  When I pulled into my parking spot another car pulled in right across from me.  I looked in the rearview mirror and watched as two women got out.  Being a guy, I can’t help but look at and watch women.  One of the women happened to have the most luscious looking ass that I have seen in a long time, and perhaps (to me) the best looking ass I’ve ever seen on a white woman.  Happily I watched her get her coat on and she and her colleague walked toward the building…I was all too happy to follow.  The woman with the delightful ass also was very well dressed and had nice hair that she has styled with big wavy curls…obviously she knew how to take care of herself and spent a lot of time to look good.  The other woman was not as attractive, but was well dressed and well put together.

As I walked behind them, admiring them the thought came to me…I wish I had a hot wife.  It filled me quickly with a feeling of inadequacy thinking; my wife isn’t hot, I’m not hot, how would I ever attract a hot woman, could I satisfy a hot woman, I’ll never be with a hot woman…. and on and on.  Added to that, the kinky crossdresser side of of me came out and I thought about how I’d like to be a pretty woman, and be able to dress pretty and do make up and have men stare at me.

I entered the building, and sat behind this lovely pair for the duration of the meeting, able to soak them in without them having any idea that I was checking them out the whole time.  Today though I had the luxury of stopping my thoughts and examining them.  Usually I have these thoughts, they’re half formed cravings, and then I am rushed into the next thing, or the next thought and the old thoughts stay in my mind like a bad after taste.  Not really there, but not gone either.  And their sadness and self deprecation stay.

Today I could sit and think and figure out what I was thinking.  Realizing the craving for these women was first and foremost just an expression of my biology.  I’m a man, I want to have sex with them.  Then I thought about my desire to have a hot looking partner and realized that the desire is really about external validation for me.  I have two women who love me, and I have relationships with.  They aren’t “hot” but they love me, and each are beautiful in their own way.  Having a hot wife would be fun to look at, and would certainly turn me on, but it wouldn’t cure my feelings of inadequacy and I probably would still keep a wandering eye noticing the other gorgeous women that I don’t have rather than being satisfied with the one I have.

I am at the root of things the cause of my own problems, and until I solve me, nothing will ever quite be good enough.

In thinking about the kink and the crossdressing…I know that I have no desire to be transgender.  And I know that I don’t want to upend my life for the thrill any enjoyment that occasional crossdressing brings to me.  So for that, I can realize that I can be 98% content with just doing it as I do now, and being jealous of those who get do it more or better than I can.  The same way I can be jealous of those who are tall, but I don’t waste any mental bandwidth on it.  That problem is pretty easy to solve.

The kinky part is a little harder.  I love sex, and I love kink.  I love reading about kinky adventures on blogs and watching porn.  That exposes me to all sorts of women who are “sex positive” or men who are in relationships with women who are.  Neither of the women that I am with are either kinky, or exploratory.  And while I have no room really to complain, I want a partner who is as kinky as I am.  While I enjoy reading and living vicariously through others, at some times it pains me.  I realize that the women I read and read about are a small percentage of most women, but still I know there are many of you out there, and you’re fabulous and I don’t have access to one of you.  My struggle is real.  I’m not sure what the best solution is.  Give up looking at blogs and porn, or just realize that if it is meant to be that someday I’ll have my fantasies realized.

Today is a good day, and my thoughts are in check.  We’ll see what tomorrow brings.