A Bit of Hard Earned Wisdom

I have been striving to figure myself out for a number of years, most of the time with little or no result other than more confusion.  With the help of counseling, and with hard experience I’ve learned some lessons and figured somethings out, but as often as not I’ve come away with more questions than answers. 

Occasionally the mist clears and something becomes clear and apparent. A week ago I set out by myself on a solo hiking adventure. It had been some time since I’d spent any time entirely on my own, and that time is extremely valuable to me. It’s only entirely by myself and generally in the wilderness that I can truly relax and really get in touch with me and find any sort of clarity.

I had set myself and aggressive hiking agenda and was supposed to cross something off my hiking “bucket list” but it turns out that my fitness has declined and that I was over ambitious…that realization was painful, as was the hiking itself, which turned out to be the hardest hike I’d ever done, bar none.  But what I didn’t accomplish in my hiking plan didn’t take away from the clarity I gained from the time alone and from throwing my body hard at the wall of physical challenge.

I’m rarely satisfied and I am often envious of others and the lives they live, and the things they do and have. Some time ago I mostly mastered my lust and desire for material things, realizing they don’t make me happy.  But still I’ve lusted after sexual experiences with both men, but particularly women, and I’ve sooo often hungered for a better female partner.  I love Jenn and Amy, but no matter what there was always a girl that was cuter, or more interesting, or more feminine or more whatever.  I’d stare, I’d fantasize, I’d imagine what it was like to be with them, and in the process put down what I have, which is a lot. 

But then while hiking it dawned on me. Mid known it intellectually, but never felt it, but there it finally was.  To be able to feel the realization that the problem isn’t with my partners, it’s with me in terms of realizing that I need to be happy and figure out what I want.  Until I am happy and satisfied, no woman would ever be anything enough to satisfy me. There would always be better and I’d always be lusting after it. It sounds dumb and common sense, but I needed to feel it and understand it in my guts.  I don’t know how to be happy or satisfied with myself yet, but knowing is indeed half the battle.  Since that realization I still enjoy looking at women, but now I look at the. For their beauty and charm, the way a person looks at a beautiful vista just for the pleasure of it.  No longer am I day dreaming and fantasizing about how they are better than what I already have. Maybe it’s a small realization to some, but it was a big and important thing for me.