I struggle with myself, I struggle with my past, and I struggle with my place in the world. I have a great stinking pile of insecurity in my soul and while I do battle with it on a regular basis, most often it wins. I have been in counseling off and on for the better part of the last five years, and have learned much, sometimes good, and sometimes bad, but still I struggle with it.
The latest manifestation, and perhaps the most pervasive and difficult is my ability to say yes to myself, and to find myself worthy of getting what I want. Regardless of what it is, most of the time I deny myself what I want, whether it is under the guise of what Jenn wants, or worries about money, or time, or simply be being indecisive and missing opportunities. Regardless of how I do it, I do it all the time. It is a maddening and frustrating trap to be in, and it hurts. It puts pressure on me that doesn’t exist anywhere else but in my head, and it robs me of soooo much in life. It is in fact the defining force, the current that undermines most of my life in terms of the choices and actions I make for myself. I try to battle it, but it feels like trying to stop the waves from pounding on the shore.
The only one really stopping me is me, and that is the most powerful enemy that I could ever imagine.
Post Modern Curious Man: 1 Man's Misadventures 