Tired of the Deception

As anyone who reads my blog knows I live in a world of deception and lies.  I am a married man who has carried on a multi-year affair with the same woman.  Beyond that I have had sex with numerous people, men and women, who weren’t either of those two women.  Beyond that I have told many lies at different times and different situations.  In spite of that, when I am not lying I am brutally honest to a fault, which is a weird dichotomy in me.

I learned to lie, and to have two selves growing up in a crappy house and a crappy family, living in fear of being taken away by the state at any moment if the authorities found out about how we lived.  I grew up pretending to be something at school that I wasn’t in order to mask the reality at home.  There was no love or support to be found at home, so to keep from going crazy I lied to myself there to act as though things were alright when they weren’t.  Those lies lead me to be my own best friend, trust no one, and tell no one the real truth.

As an adult now my world is much better and more stable.  I have a good job, make solid money, and my house is happy and healthy (at least on the face of it).  I have been through therapy and counseling, and a lot of living, and through that I am more honest than ever, and more one person/personality than ever before, but still honesty doesn’t come easy to me when I feel compelled to lie.  I have one friend in the world who knows all the different components of me, but even she doesn’t know much of my past or back story, only because we have never had the occasion to speak on it.  With her I am completely honest, and that is an amazing treat.  With Amy I am totally honest about everything, except my sexual exploits.  My relationship with her is amazing, and affirming, and really keeps me going through all the daily madness.  But still I can’t feel that I can be entirely honest with her.  Still I have myself for comfort and little else.

I would love to be open with the world, and be free to be who I am, whatever that is.  But it often feels that I have so little in the category of friend and family that I don’t dare risk losing those people for fear I’ll never find others.  I don’t dare risk figuring out who I am for fear that no one will love me, or care for me.  It is easier to subvert and to be the character I broadcast than to take the risk and find out who I really am, and live that life.  Most of the time I am ok with the sacrifice and the living multiple lives, and sometimes I’m not.

In case you’re wondering, this really isn’t a sexuality thing as far as wrestling with being gay or anything like that.  I’m bisexual, and I am totally ok with that personally.  I don’t know that any of my friends and family would be, but I am ok with that.  It’s bigger than that.  I don’t know who I’d be other than the guy that I am now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to purge the duality that exists within me.  Sometimes I feel closer to that truth than ever, but then other times I realize how far from it I am, and it comes back with a crushing weight.  

    Anyway, if you’ve read this far, thanks for taking the time to do so.  This blog really started out for me as a place to vent my inner thoughts, journal or diary style.  It’s often been a sexual kiss and tell, or a relationship vent, but whatever it is it is my story and I hope you find it interesting in some way.