The Strange World of Men’s Sexual Fantasy-Submission Files

I have my share of sexual fantasy…ok, waaaaay more than my share, but whose counting. The wonderful and amazing thing about people and sex is that no matter how weird, gross, or outlandish your fantasy is, someone has already thought of it, and someone has probably come up with something even more extreme than you.

My first real brush with that was as a teen, reading erotic fiction, and then reading a book that was a compilation of actual women’s fantasies…some of which shocked even my perverted teenage brain!  Where are those women, and why can’t I meet them? Lol

Thanks of course to the internet we have greater access than ever before to even more kink, and sometimes even access to people to indulge those kinks with…ah the interwebs. They said they’d change the world, I just don’t think they meant the world of kinky sex.

The male sexual mind is a weird and wild place, and it can think

of all sorts of depravity…mine is no exception. For whatever reason some of us men are interested in, or get off on submission, be dominated and humiliation. I’m not a submissive person in my everyday life.  I’m not a dominant person either. I’m in charge of a lot of things, but ultimately my preferred stance is that I’m in charge of me, and you’re in charge of you.  I don’t need to be the boss of anything or anyone.

When it comes to my sex life, I like power play, although I’ve fantasized about more than I’ve actually gotten to do it. I’d love to explore it more with the women in my life, but A)They don’t seem particularly into it and B) My insecurity issues lead me to be reluctant about voluntarily demeaning myself in the eyes of my female romantic partner.  With men however I really enjoy the submissive role.  I enjoy being the “bitch” and get off on a man taking control and using me for his pleasure. I have no relationship with these men, and most of them I’ll never see again, so I’ve got nothing to loose and plenty to enjoy.

This morning I was doing some web browsing for fun, and I decided to look up male chastity, and then that led me to look up cuckolding. The male chastity thing I’m curious about. I’m curious about it from the power exchange side of things and most especially from a sensual aspect. I like senin suality, teasing and the temporary denial of pleasure. I’d be interested in wearing one for a couple of days for the constant reminder of sex and the temptation of the cookie in the jar that you can’t have.  But I want it to be a game, and not a long term one either.

In a little googling however it seems like the real focus for many men/couples is far more elaborate and goes waaaaay beyond where I would imagine or want to take it. For many guys it would seem that they want “female led relationships” and they want long term, if not permanent orgasm denial.  For these couples it isn’t play, it’s a lifestyle. I find that fascinating and yet I can’t relate to it. These men seem to really want to surrender themselves entirely to someone else, not just in a sexual way, and seem to really have low regard for their own sexuality beyond the desires of their partners. Along with that many seem to want to be belittled and emasculated, on a full time basis, which is kind of fascinating.  I love fantasy, but I really want it to stop at the end of the sexual realm.  Through my reading it seems like there are many men who want it to encompass their lives, and really take over who they are, denying who they are, and giving themselves entirely (and not in a good way) to someone else.

Even more strange and fascinating to me are the cuckolders.  I’ve written about it here before, but to me I just can’t wrap my head around it.  Open relationships are one thing.  I’d like to have one, but I can get behind the idea of each partner being entirely free to sleep with other people, so long as they come back home to the relationship and are honest about it.  That I get.  I also get doing threesomes where you bring an extra in, and it’s a little lop sided, but still a group sport.  The cuck think to me is a whole other beast.  The notion of purposely posing yourself as a men as worthless and unsatisfying while actively seeking out men for your wife to sleep with, with or without you makes my mind itch.  It is dominance to an extreme that I just find hard to grasp.  Again, I get the fantasy play, and I can sort of get it if you and your partner are having a scenario/living out a fantasy, but this seems to go beyond that into a lifestyle where the husband becomes a servant to the woman…a servant who actively looks for opportunities for his wife to sleep with other “better” men, while the most he gets is either cleaning cum out of his wife’s vagina or sucking the cock of the man who is about to fuck his wife.

To each there own, and I certainly don’t cast judgement on these folks or think that they are wrong.  I just find it fascinating and very hard to relate to.  And it serves to remind me just how fascinating we all are.

Tired of the Deception

As anyone who reads my blog knows I live in a world of deception and lies.  I am a married man who has carried on a multi-year affair with the same woman.  Beyond that I have had sex with numerous people, men and women, who weren’t either of those two women.  Beyond that I have told many lies at different times and different situations.  In spite of that, when I am not lying I am brutally honest to a fault, which is a weird dichotomy in me.

I learned to lie, and to have two selves growing up in a crappy house and a crappy family, living in fear of being taken away by the state at any moment if the authorities found out about how we lived.  I grew up pretending to be something at school that I wasn’t in order to mask the reality at home.  There was no love or support to be found at home, so to keep from going crazy I lied to myself there to act as though things were alright when they weren’t.  Those lies lead me to be my own best friend, trust no one, and tell no one the real truth.

As an adult now my world is much better and more stable.  I have a good job, make solid money, and my house is happy and healthy (at least on the face of it).  I have been through therapy and counseling, and a lot of living, and through that I am more honest than ever, and more one person/personality than ever before, but still honesty doesn’t come easy to me when I feel compelled to lie.  I have one friend in the world who knows all the different components of me, but even she doesn’t know much of my past or back story, only because we have never had the occasion to speak on it.  With her I am completely honest, and that is an amazing treat.  With Amy I am totally honest about everything, except my sexual exploits.  My relationship with her is amazing, and affirming, and really keeps me going through all the daily madness.  But still I can’t feel that I can be entirely honest with her.  Still I have myself for comfort and little else.

I would love to be open with the world, and be free to be who I am, whatever that is.  But it often feels that I have so little in the category of friend and family that I don’t dare risk losing those people for fear I’ll never find others.  I don’t dare risk figuring out who I am for fear that no one will love me, or care for me.  It is easier to subvert and to be the character I broadcast than to take the risk and find out who I really am, and live that life.  Most of the time I am ok with the sacrifice and the living multiple lives, and sometimes I’m not.

In case you’re wondering, this really isn’t a sexuality thing as far as wrestling with being gay or anything like that.  I’m bisexual, and I am totally ok with that personally.  I don’t know that any of my friends and family would be, but I am ok with that.  It’s bigger than that.  I don’t know who I’d be other than the guy that I am now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to purge the duality that exists within me.  Sometimes I feel closer to that truth than ever, but then other times I realize how far from it I am, and it comes back with a crushing weight.  

    Anyway, if you’ve read this far, thanks for taking the time to do so.  This blog really started out for me as a place to vent my inner thoughts, journal or diary style.  It’s often been a sexual kiss and tell, or a relationship vent, but whatever it is it is my story and I hope you find it interesting in some way.

I Hate November

Hello to all you out there in blog land.  It has been a long time since I updated this blog, although it hasn’t been for want of desire or subject matter.  My life has been super busy, and full of tumult since my last update, with little time for luxuries like thinking, or updating this blog.

I’m still with both Jenn and Amy.  After the immediate crisis of the summer things have settled back into a more “normal” state in my life.  Jenn and I are still trying to patch things up, but that is still very much an open question.  I think somewhere in our collective state, we both know that it is over, but neither of us are willing to admit it.  Not willing for the sake of the kids, for our pride, and for a whole bunch of reasons.  

As for Amy and I, we move along, and enjoy each other’s company when we can.  She has been sickly of late, which she often is, and so she has been distracted and sad a lot.  Still we love each other, and I poach whatever time I can from my life to give to her, to be with her.  

I’m still in counseling to figure myself out.  Why I can’t take care of myself, or why I can’t be at peace with sacrificing my happiness for that of others.  That is sadly an seemingly unresolvable struggle for me.

In other news, my sexual adventures have all but ground to a halt.  I have had one encounter with the woman I met from OK Cupid, but other than that I have been behaving myself now for quite some time, with relatively little interest in engaging in any other play at all.

Exciting update it isn’t, but as I am fond of saying, it is what it is.

I Don’t Often Feel Like Jumping Off a Bridge…

It was a rough night with Jenn.  I had chatted with her some online during her work today, and things seemed to be somewhat normal.  Then she came home, and as soon as she caught sight of me her expression changed, and I knew we were in for it. 

Thankfully the kids were busy with play, enough so they didn’t notice that neither of us said a word, nor made eye contact through dinner.  Once the kids were in bed we sat together in silence for a while until she broke into tears, and then the conversation started anew.

She is suffering, and it is ultimately my fault.  I can’t really fix it, I can’t stop it, and there is nothing that I can do to make it better.  It is exceedingly difficult to sit through, but sit I must if I am going to keep things together here.  Yet at the same time it isn’t entirely what I want.  I am guilty and I have hurt this woman, and I may hurt her still…it hurts, it sucks, and it’s damn complicated.  We’re at that stage where nothing I can say is right, but still I must say it, and suffer the “slings and arrows” of my wife’s very justified emotions.  I say this not to whine or complain, because it is again my fault, but merely to vent because this is my blog.

I find myself at this juncture of my life still trying to figure out who I am, and what it is I really want.  Years ago, before the kids, before Amy, I thought that I knew, and then everything changed.  Now I feel like I know very little certainly, and I must question everything that I know.  I’ve sacrificed for the sake of my marriage, and I’ve given more than perhaps I needed to in the marriage and in life, and sometimes I just want a piece of something for my own, a bit of happiness that I can claim for me.  I work desperately every day to make the people in my life happy, and save my own happiness for last.  Amy is my one (admittedly very serious) indulgence, and she means the world to me. 

Someone that means so much to me brings so much pain to the rest of my world.  I truly and damned if I do, and damned if I don’t…

After the Apocalypse

Since the last time I blogged my life has been through the blender.  After weeks of uncertainty, and trying to persuade her to keep quiet, Jenn and my mutual friend forced my hand into telling Jenn about being seen with Amy.

As I’d predicted, it cause a huge scene, and I’m sure some element of PTSD emotions for Jenn related to the other times that I have been caught with Amy.  Jenn and I had been having a good time, and been in a pretty good spot in our relationship, and now it’s all in the shitter again.

The dilemma I am faced with, is a central one to my existence over the last 6 years.  What do I want, and who do I want it with.  The biggest X factor in my life is the children.  I have two wonderful, sweet and fantastic kids with Jenn (they’re 6), and they adore us.  They have a pretty idyllic life at this point, and I can’t see tearing that apart for my happiness.  If it weren’t for the children, I don’t think I’d be with Jenn any more.  She is a good friend, and we’ve built a comfortable existence together, with a good looking future (at least on paper).

But Jenn isn’t emotionally supportive in a way that I need or want.  She doesn’t really “get” me a lot of the time, and I feel like in some ways she holds me back rather than moving me forward.  Our sex life is boring to non existent, and I don’t find her physically attractive.

Amy on the other hand, is all that I could ask for in a romantic partner.  She’s warm, engaging, and extremely supportive.  She gets me like no one else in the world, and always has my back.  When I’m wrong, she calls me on it, but in a supportive way that lets me make my own conclusions without bringing me down.  We have fantastic sex, and she’s very attractive to me.

Things aren’t bad enough at home for me to say “enough” but they also aren’t good enough for me to want to say goodbye to Amy.  It’s a decision that I have to make, for everyone’s benefit, but how does one make that choice?  I feel like either way I’m damned.  Break my children’s hearts and surrender all that I’ve built and done with Jenn, or break my own heart and surrender the love I have with Amy…

Ups and Downs

Life gets crazy sometimes, doesn’t it?  That seems like a lot to say when I look back at some of the craziness that I’ve written about here, and even more than I haven’t.  Anyway, life has gotten in the way and I really haven’t had a moment when I could update my blog.  But I’m not really sure that any of you really care to know all that, so I’ll move on.

At my last update I was looking at a weekend at home alone, and a possible variety of sexual adventures, or mis-adventures.  I had some ideas in mind, had placed some ads on CL and…in the end, I decided to skip most of the sexual adventures, and spend some time with myself, hiking, and relaxing.  And, having the freedom to choose, I chose to spend some time Saturday evening with Amy.  We had tentatively agreed that I would take the weekend for myself.  I never get time for myself, and both agreed that it would be good for me to do that.  I was happy that she was in on the idea, because in thinking about the weekend it was the perfect dodge for me to launch off on any adventure that I chose.  Having decided to skip any of the adventure choices, because I just wasn’t feeling it, then I decided late Saturday night to call Amy.  She and I went and played pool, then she came back to my house and spent the night after a delicious and sensuous love making session.

I haven’t talked too much about my times with Amy, but in bed, things are always delicious.  She enjoys sex as much as I do, although she isn’t nearly as kinky as I am.  She is easy to please, and requires no effort to get her turned on.  She is beautiful naked…a little more curvy than most men would probably prefer, but to me she’s just right.  She’s sensitive in all the right places, and I can make her cum in just about any position, with any technique that I try to use.  Her vagina has very full lips, and takes on a “pouty” look that I adore and find really attractive.  We fit together extremely well, and she makes me feel wonderful, and she makes me feel like a stud because I can please her so often, and so easily.  After we made love that night, we settled down for the evening and slept.  When I sleep with Amy we both sleep incredibly soundly, so much so that we’ve both woken up many times with sore and stiff shoulders from sleeping on them all night long without turning.

Sunday I resumed the bachelor life, and launched into a new obsession which for the last month dispelled my thoughts of sex with random people.  Jen and I have always been bad with managing our money, and despite quite healthy incomes, we have a very large load of credit card debt that we can never seem to pay off.  We’ve always lived slightly beyond our means, and as the years roll by it is a larger and larger burden.  Neither of us want to reduce our spending and fun, so I am always on the lookout for solid ways for us to earn our way out of debt.  Lately I’ve seized on buying a second home.  That Sunday I looked at houses with a realtor, and since then I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to make it work, and other ways to take control of my life, both financially and emotionally.  Until this week, I have largely put all thoughts of sexual adventure out of my head, and felt just fine about it.

Well, my house buying seems to have hit a road block, and here I find myself again thinking about sex.  I’m not sure if it’s a diversion from less pleasant things, or perhaps it’s a control thing.  By reaching out to men (and a couple that I’m trying to get with) for sex, I can take risk, create adventure, but feel like I have control on it.  It costs little or no money, it’s exciting, and because no one else knows about it, no one can tell me no.

I have real issues, that I am in counseling for, about my worth, and my ability to control my fate.  Intellectually I know that I am a grown man, and am free to make decisions for myself, but time after time I deny myself things for no particular reason other than junk in my own head.  Perhaps worst is that everything inconsistent for me.  I might say that I’m going to go on a strict weightloss program, and be really dedicated to it, but the next day I’ll make up some really rediculous excuse for why I can skip a day, or what have you.  So I make decisions to fix things I don’t like or are not good for me, then I find excuses to defeat my own fixes.  I think that I love Amy, but then I won’t allow myself to leave Jen and so on, and so on, and so on.

Sometimes I know I think too much, but then I’me worried that if I’m not thinking, that I’ll go through life blind and miss so many opportunities.  It makes my head spin, and nearly makes me crazy!

Almost My Birthday

Hello Out There,

Tomorrow is my birthday.  Yay for me!  Quite unusually, I am here alone on a Saturday night.  Jen has gone off for a weekend with the girls, and Amy is off house sitting for her brother’s kids.  I have my own upstairs sleeping, which is why I am sitting here typing rather than off on some adventure.  That isn’t to say that I haven’t filled my day with thoughts of all sorts of naughtiness, looking at dirty pictures on Flikr, and jerking off a couple of times.

Amy went out on a date tonight with this guy she calls the Teacher.  She and I had a very emotional conversation during the week over dinner.  We’ve both been rather fried by the lack of contact between the two of us, and for the first time in our relationship, things have truely become strained.  It’s kinda odd because we talked, and we both agreed that we were sticking together, but then she goes on a date.

She has my full consent to date, and I truely do want her to be happy, but it’s weird for me.  She’s a little weird about it too.  We agreed that she would date, because I’ve gotten so marginalized in her life, and she just wants a companion to share her life with.  I get it.  She says that I still have her heart, and no one could replace me, but I don’t know that I trust that.  My insecurity, and my rational mind both say that things will change, and that I will be shut out of her heart, her love, and her pussy.  I don’t want any of those to happen, but when I can’t provide a full time “normal” relationship for her, how can I blame her?

I also have an odd preoccupation with thinking of her having sex with another guy.  There is jealousy certainly, but that’s not really it.  She’s had several sex partners (she says I’m #13), but claims that I am by far the best.  I like that, and I really like pleasing her.  My concern is that some new guy will be better than me.  That she’ll like his skill better, or his cock will be bigger and she’ll admit to herself but not to me, that she likes big dicks much better than mine.  It’s really odd insecurity coming from me and all my sleeping around…but I never said I was logical or rational for that matter.

Thinking of big cocks, I ran into one of Amy’s previous boyfriends yesterday ironically enough.  Jen’s sewing machine broke, and she dropped it off with the local repair guy.  That repair guy just happens to be a guy that Amy slept with for a while prior to meeting me.  He used to have a shop on the main drag, where she admitted to having had sex with him more than once in the back of the shop.  To this day, every time I drive by I think about her an him.  She said he had the biggest dick of any of her partners, but he is quite a dork.  I hadn’t met him since I’ve been with Amy, and it struck me as odd that she chose this guy…what does that say about her taste in men??  The laugh I had for myself however was that meeting him again, knowing what I know, beyond thinking about him and Amy, I was also thinking of that big cock, and wondering just how big it is…

So, tomorrow starts another year in my life.  Where the Hell will it take me?  I have no friggin’ clue, but it will be interesting to find out!!

Stay tuned.

Like a Junky Looking to Score

Here I am, a second blog for the day…what a treat for me, and I hope some of you enjoy it as well.

As much as my post from earlier today was questioning the role of my sexuality in my future, or more accurately my sex play, I find myself here, as the title says, like a junky looking to score.

Up here in the northeast we had a major snowstorm dump on us last weekend and it wreaked havoc on things like trees, roads, and powerlines.  As a result I found out today that not only have I been off work all week so far, but I will be off work till next Monday.  I’ve been tied up (sadly, not literally) these last three days, but tomorrow and Friday I have largely to myself from 8:30-5.

So, I could plan to do all sorts of productive things around the house.  I could plan to do some catch up for work, but what I really want to play are elicit rendezvous with Amy, and perhaps some random folks I meet through Craigslist.

My sex time with Amy has been very strained through a variety of reasons, most having to do with a lack of time that I can get to see her.  That and a combination of my moods and her physical illness.  So, I am very much looking forward to a good long romp with her tomorrow morning, and perhaps Friday as well.  But somehow, that isn’t enough for me.

I don’t think that I am a nympho, whatever THAT really means.  I think I am something of a whore though.  I think that perhaps I seek validation, or approval or worth through sex.  I certainly seek a good time and excitement!

It had been on my mind to try and rendezvous with someone for some man to man sex, and I have been passively trying to set something up.  Not to descriminate against the ladies; I had also made a stab at a former colleague who posted several times about dissatisfied with her husband, and that she would be seeking a lover.  Sadly, that hasn’t gone anywhere yet, but it may.

Now the opportunity comes up with free time.  The way these things go, you have to make plans with several people in order to actually hook up with one on the day you are available.  I’ve emailed two guys (one a crossdresser) to see if they are free, but haven’t heard back, probably due to the power outage.  There is the third guy, Rob, who I met up with a couple weeks ago, but we didn’t get to any “funny” business.  I have contacted him, and he may be free to meet on Friday and is very excited about it.

Rob is a really nice guy, and a guy who I met through Craig’s list seeking a FWB.  We share a lot of the same outdoorsy interests, but more on our minds have been the indoor type.  He’s going through a divorce, and I have been just about his only sexual outlet.  Our first “date” for lack of a better term, ended up in my car, with me sucking his delightful cock, and even swallowing his cum, which was a total first for me.  I’ve met him one other time, for a romp in the woods where I ended up with his dick in my mouth.  I REALLY want to convince him to fuck me (it’s been a LONG time) and ideally I’d like to do it bareback.  I can trust him, and it’s something that I’ve always wanted to try.  For his part, he’s really into crossdressers, and wants to see me dressed, which is always a thrill.

Beyond Rob however I’ve also managed to post not one, but three different ads on Craiglist looking to see what’s out there.  One for a man, one for a man to be with me as a CD, and one looking for a man woman couple to play with.  I doubt anything will come of it, particularly for the next two days, but it is always thrilling to post and see what will come, or cum.  It is an amazing rush, and I have met some great people there, so we’ll see.

Posting it all together like this for all to see is strange.  Everything for me has always been segemented, and it is a relief to put it all in one place, even if it is a bit complicated.

Caught in the Vortex

My musings, my explorations, my adulterous play and just about everything have come to a total, screeching halt with the end of summer, and my return to the classroom.  The first weeks of school are always busy, but this year seems especially so.

To add to the ordinarily busy nature of the start of school, my wife has decided that now would be an ideal time to pitch a fit, and have something of a post traumatic relapse over my affair.

I have been caught by her in the past having an affair with “Amy.”  I was caught twice in fact, a couple of years apart.  I love both women, and want them both in my life…something that was possible in the past, but isn’t really anymore for a number of reasons (more on that another time).  Anyway, “Jen” (my wife) and I are trying to patch things up and move on, but Jen every now and then digs for information, or proof that I am not still seeing Amy.

Last week she stumbled on a secret that I had kept and lied about, and that sent her into a tailspin of emotion, fear etc.  I feel guilty, I truely do, for hurting her, and for making things difficult for her.  On the other hand, I have sacrificied a great deal for her, and felt that the affair was a way that I could get what I needed, while still maintaining a happy home.  Now I am working toward seeing if our marriage will work, but still have to deal with this past.

The ugly secret of course is that my affair isn’t really over, and that I still very much have feelings for Amy, although our connection is very strained by our new lack of ability to see each other.  It puts me in a confused state, not knowing if I should abandon Amy and stick out life with Jen that may or may not make me happy, or if I should abandon Jen for Amy and all the passion, but also complication that that entails.  A true hot mess indeed!

The End of Summer

Here I am at the end of my summer…summer isn’t really over to me till Labor Day, but I go back to work on Wednesday.  I have had an awesome summer, lots of travel, camping, the beach, hiking, and just general relaxation.  It has been really nice.  I haven’t found answers to any of the questions that I have about my life, but that isn’t really a surprise to me.  I always think that I’ll find answers in the future, that I’ll focus on the problems, but then I never get around to it once it’s time.  I don’t know if that means that the answers aren’t to be found, or if I don’t want to find them.  I don’t know if I’ll ever quite know.

I do know that I have spend quite a lot of time distracting myself this summer on the computer…which takes me back to my questions of priorities, desires, etc.  I am a man with a wife and family.  I am a man with a loving mistress.  But here I find myself still trolling the internet, looking at all manner of kinky sex.  Not porn so much, although I do LOVE scanning Flikr for all sorts of wild pictures, but more looking at what real people post online, and ads for people looking for things on Craigslist.  What I am doing, except for looking for the next thrill, I am not sure.  I get some sort of banal pleasure out of it, but then I find myself feeling guilty for wasting time, for indulging in what would be seen by many as really negative behavior, and all sorts of thoughts in between.  Sigh……