Greetings Earthlings

An amazing amount of time has flown by since my last update to this blog…I was on such a roll too.  That what comes of me heading back to school and back to the ordinary routine of my life.  That, and add in some grad school, marital difficulties and a new school, and you have me being a pretty damn busy guy.

So what’s new with me?  Not much, and a lot as you can see from above.  In my most pressing, and judging by the traffic on this blog, most interesting to all of you news; I’m still married to Jenn.  We are trying to work it out, and doing the best we can.  We’re going to counseling, and I am going to counseling, and I am trying to figure out if I can be happy with Jenn, and if she can be happy with me.  The jury is still very much out on both of those counts.

I still love Amy, and really would love to be with her, but for the sake of my children, I stay with Jenn.  Life with Jenn isn’t bad, it just isn’t great, which makes it MUCH harder for me to make the selfish choice to be with Amy.  It isn’t fair, and I know it isn’t right, but there are a lot of things that are neither fair nor right in the world, and still the persist and even thrive.  

There have been times when I have been certain that I should let Amy go, and there are times when I have been certain that I should let Jenn go, and let the shit land where it may.  At the end of the day I end up back where I’ve been for the last nearly 7 years.

In other news, I have not had any sort of other extracurricular play of any sort.  Hell, I’ve been so busy, and getting such little sleep that I am hardly even horny most of the time, which is both a blessing and a curse.  I have found some of my sex drive returning just recently, so who knows what kind of crazy trouble I’ll get into…but then again I’m kind of over it at the moment.  Knowing me, that could change in an instant.

School’s Back In Session

I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus from blogging while I was on vacation, and while I was trying to figure things out.  I got the vacation accomplished, but not the figuring.  Now my summer is over, and I am back to work again.

Actually, I have done a little figuring, but I’ve resolved nothing.  I went on a family vacation with Jenn and the kids.  It was strained, but we’d agreed to take a “time out” from our relationship problems for the sake of our vacation, for each other, and for the kids.

I’ve come to understand that I am not in love with Jenn.  The problem for me is figuring out if I can stay married to her, and find happiness, or whether I must leave her in order to be happy.  The problem is #1, the children, and #2 Jenn and I are really good friends, and beyond the lack of emotional connection on my end, we get along really well together.  Our life is great together, except that fact that I feel emotionally alone with Jenn, and because of that my insecurity gets the best of me time and again.  It isn’t her job to make me happy, I know that.  I don’t know how much happier I’d be elsewhere, but I know I have a hard time being totally happy with her.  BUT, then there is the kids.  My life is pleasant enough, and not miserable, so I feel like it’s my duty to stay for them, and not fuck their lives up.  If my marriage was horrible, then certainly, but it’s not, and that’s the problem.

  Of course it may not end up being my decision.  Jenn is closer than ever to leaving me, and could decide that she can’t risk being hurt again.  I’ve told her that I can respect that, and that also if she decides to split, that I will support her, and help her in any way that I can.  And I mean it.

The struggle for me is to determine if I can make myself happy and satisfied where I am, or not.  I guess time will tell on that one.

Getting Worse Before it Gets Better

We had counseling last night, which was good, and bad.  It was bad because it was tough on both of us, and not as soothing as I’d hoped.  Good because it gave me a reality check that while it really hurts and sucks now, I THINK it will be beneficial in the long run.  It made Jenn feel better, which is good, but made me feel crazy.

I’m not prone to feeling crazy, or manic, or anything like that.  In fact I don’t know that I’ve ever felt as crazy as I feel this morning.  I realize now…I’ve known it all along intellectually, that I have a lot of issues that I need to fix.  Jenn can’t fix them, Amy can’t fix them, and I won’t be happy with anyone till I fix them.  I’ve been in counseling before, and it has helped, and I’ve come a long way, but I still have a long way to go.

I have a very difficult time being truly, crushingly honest with myself.  I can be super critical of myself, and devastatingly so, but honest is another thing.  I also have a very difficult time asking for what I need and want, and accepting it when I get it.  Those things combined lead me very often to self defeating behavior, which in turn makes me feel even worse.  It confuses me, and makes me not know what I want, what I really value, or in truth, what happiness is.

I can’t make any life decisions for myself till I figure those things out, and figure I must.  For me, for my kids, for Jenn and for Amy.  Without figuring myself out, nothing will ever really work.  The problem is that figuring it out scares me, because I don’t know what I’ll find…this whole experience these past many years has made me question everything, and I went from certainty in my life to complete uncertainty.  I don’t know what probing deeper will find, and I don’t know if I’ll like the answers.  Also, the very notion that through this process, that I could find happiness, and peace and acceptance within myself also unnerves me.  I don’t know if I feel I don’t deserve it, am not worthy of it, or am just scared of it because I’m so accustomed to not having it.  On paper, it seems wonderful, but in practice, it scares the living shit out of me.

Life Comes at You Fast

Today is another day, and just maybe it could be a better one.  I have no new answers no new insight, but the same old uncertainty which has been joined this morning with a dose of apathy. 

I got my first angry, but insightful comment on my blog.  The person (after looking at their blog) seems to have suffered through being cheated on, and of course has some strong feelings on the subject.  His comments, while somewhat harsh, are pretty accurate and logical.  He opined that I need to figure myself out, communicate openly with Jenn, and cast off Amy, and maybe, or maybe not stay with Jenn.

Those are probably the “right” things to do, but it isn’t easy, and doesn’t necessarily feel right to me.  It doesn’t take into account a whole lot of lives, and a whole lot of hearts.  Perhaps I am a coward, or a wuss, of just too “nice” to do what needs to be done.  I don’t know.  I am admittedly and extremely flawed person.  I’ll be the first to admit it, and I am often full of self loathing and personal disgust for myself.  I don’t know what’s right for me, what I deserve, or what I am worth. 

Everyone deserves to be happy, but at what cost?  How much is happiness worth, and how does one decide to settle for one level of happiness?  I thought, before I met Amy that I knew what happiness was, I thought I had it nailed in, and figured out.  Then I learned about all that I had been missing, and how good things could be.  It has cast my understanding of the world, and my situation in it into stark doubt that I am still trying to unravel.

Could I, as my commenter suggested, just realize that who you love is a choice, and make the choice, and live with the consequences?  Yes, I could, but who am I to chose?

Just Plain Tired of It

Fatigue is the word of the day.  I stayed up way late last night, and the kids up too early, the result was that I started out tired.  By the time Jenn get up, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day.  Midway through breakfast she lost it, and the kids noticed.  We gave them evasive answers, but they knew their mother was sad in a way that they rarely see.  Of course it makes me feel like dog shit.

I got out of the house for a while and had a good talk with Amy.  I don’t have many close personal friend, and she is (inspite of her position as the other woman) my most trusted adviser and confidante.  I didn’t come to any conclusions, other that to realize that if things are going ok with Jenn, that I can ignore the problems, or push them to the back.  When things are going poorly with Jenn the problems in our relationship, and her shortcomings are never more clear…I’m sure that makes sense, and is maybe even duh, but it is true, and distasteful.

Jenn took a really long nap in the afternoon, and while she did I was kinda hostage, because I didn’t want the kids bugging her and waking her up, but I also didn’t feel like doing anything that needed to be done around the house.  I HATE being hostage, and it happens way more often than I’d like.

By evening despite her nap Jenn was still exhausted, and I was with her.  We put the kids together, and I was just praying that Jenn wouldn’t want to talk.  Thankfully she was more worn out than me, and decided to go pretty much straight to bed.  I am over talking about it, defending myself, thinking about it, I’m over it, and worn the hell out.

Thankfully tomorrow is Monday, and she is back to work, so at least while she is at work I can have some peace, some space, and can relax and not be tense and nervous all day.  She has made a counseling appointment for us for Tuesday, but I think after that on Wednesday I need to get out of Dodge.  My summer is winding down, it has sucked because of this, and before it is over I need to take care of myself, and have some fun to remember through the year.

I’m really hating myself, hating my life, hating my wife, and just about everything else right now.  I feel like there is little future, and little point to anything…it’s a feeling I never used to have, but I’ve had it more often in the last 6 years than I ever had in my whole life before this.  Blah.

A Beautiful Moment

Jenn is out of town tonight, so of course I invited Amy over.  Jenn and I have been busy lately with a lot of different things, and it has been unseasonably hot.  The combination means that there is virtually no sex in my household.  More than that, there is very little intimacy, which is a lot worse.

Jenn will often say to me that she wants to be treated special, and to be romanced, which given all that goes on in our life, can be difficult for both of us.  Recently however I made it a very special effort to lay out all the stops and to try to make her feel loved and cared for.  Despite all my sexual escapades, I really do love my wife and want her to be happy.

I made quite an effort to please her, to show affection, and to make her feel special.  I bought flowers, made a card, etc etc.  We went out to a fancy dinner, and rather than conversation, she spent much of the time eavesdropping on another table.  We are both nosey, but she paid far more attention to them than she did to us, and it irritated me.  Since then, she has shown little gratitude for any of my efforts, and worse still seems herself less romantically inclined than before.  I thought I gave her what she wanted, and she pulls further away.

And that’s just the thing.  I am a sensitive character, and I crave love, support, understanding and warmth.  Lately Jenn has provided me very little of any of that, which is the reason that I had started my affair with Amy in the first place.  It makes me feel VERY lonely.  The odd thing is that I didn’t understand how lonely I was.

Tonight, I had a chance to really connect physically and intimately with Amy, and it felt wonderful.  We made slow, passionate love, and it was completely delicious.  I could lose myself in her.  In her soft lovely hair, in her beautiful breasts and of course her incredible pussy.

Sexually and intimately she is all the things that Jenn is not, and she makes me feel so princely.  Life is truely VERY complicated.

What to Do, or Perhaps Who?

As often is the case, I’m confused.  Here I sit on a Saturday morning, in a house all to myself.  Jenn has taken the kids for a weekend at her mom’s house, leaving me all to my own devices for the weekend.  That is something that hasn’t happened in at least 7-8 months.  It is a WONDERFUL treat, but it leaves me completely torn.

I LOVE being by myself, and it soooo rarely happens.  When I am on my own, there are so many things that I want to do, that it makes it very hard to choose.  I can’t do all of them, and the opportunity doesn’t happen that often.  I end up feeling paralyzed by the choices, and it is all too easy to do nothing at all.  Grrrr.

I enjoy the quiet house, the ability to do things without a child tail, or having to work with/around Jenn.  Those things are all appealing.  But then of course there are my sexual cravings.  Oddly, the sexual side of me is very much in flux right now.

This is, of course, a perfect opportunity to hook up with Amy.  She is largely free, and would enjoy the time with me.  We could have lots of nice sex, take a hike, and snuggle together, which is appealing.  The trouble is, I don’t want that right now.  I wouldn’t mind the sex, but then I’d want to boot her out the door.  That feels wrong of me.  I just don’t want to have to cater to another person right now, I want it to be about me.

I have two guys who want to have sex with me.  One, I’ve met before, and call him Mr. Big thanks to his enormous and gorgeous cock.  The other, a guy named Al I have been chatting with after responding to an ad on CL, but haven’t had a chance to hook up with.  I had a date set up with Mr Big last night, and was all excited for it until after work I had a long meeting, and then had to drive home.  He lives and hour from my house, and I essentially managed to talk myself out of going.  I just wasn’t feeling it, and the hour drive was a buzzkill when I was already tired and coming off of a cold.

I have been corresponding with a very local couple from CL who posted an add.  They were looking for a couple, OR a bi guy or girl.  I responded, and they got back to me quickly.  Things were looking up till the end of the week, when supposedly she got a cold.  I was all jazzed up to meet them because it seemed new, fun and different.  I think she may be all hot for it, but he may be having cold feet.  That’s just my suspicion.  I still have a glimmer of hope that I can convince them to get together tonight, but it is probably false hope.

THEN there is the other possibility.  As I have confessed, I am a crossdresser.  There is a club, in Danbury (about an hour from my house) that is a gay club called Triangles.  They host monthly CD parties that supposedly draw a large crowd of CD’s.  I’ve wanted to go to one for years, and it has never worked out.  Here I am with a free weekend, and the time to do it.  I even have an appointment with a professional makeup artist to do my makeup.  Ordinarily I’d be thrilled, but as of right now, I’m not feeling so jazzed up about it.

Ahhhhhh!  Decisions decisions!!  What ever shall I do???  Ah well, whatever I do, I promise that I’ll tell you about it.

In a Funk and Looking for Spunk?

As I mentioned in my last blog, my extra curricular play/adventure etc has come to a grinding halt.

Things with my wife “Jen” have settled down and are decent, which is good, except that our sex life is near to non-existent.  Things with “Amy” have been very slow also because we don’t get much chance to see each other, and even less time for sex, which is a total bummer because I LOVE having sex with Amy.  Sex with her is amazing fun.  I feel like a stud with her, I please her so well and often, and she is soooo enthusiastic for it.  I just wish I could be a Mormon and have them both for wives!

Things got a little weird, because Amy has been on some dates.  She wants to be with me still, but is really tired of living on her own, and wants companioship.  I can’t blame her, but it feels awkward, and I don’t want to lose her.  I was in a bit of a tizzy thinking about her being with other guys, and then having sex with other guys, which bugged me for a variety of reasons, both through insecurity and jealousy.  But, thus far her dates have gone no where, and I have been relieved thus far.  She assures me that no matter what, that we will keep our sexual relationship going, and I believe her in that…such fun we have!

This is where things get “interesting.”  I have a very strong, and very kinky sex drive.  It is entirely hypocritical for me to worry about Amy being with other guys, because I recalled that while she and I have been having an affair, I have had 8 different sexual partners, two woman, and 6 men!  Yup, you read that right.  I am something of a whore, to be sure.

Anyway, since my opportunity with Amy has been limited, I have turned my mind back to my kinky side.  I have a small string of “conquests” that I keep in my email box that I got from contacts on Craigslist.  Yesterday, I met up with a man in hopes of having a little sexual fun on the way home from work.  Rob is a guy I met on CL, when I advertised for a relationship as friends with benefits.  I have had his cock in my mouth twice, and ideed his is the first guy whose cum I ever tasted.  I met up with him on Monday after getting out of work late, and hoped that I’d have a third go around with his cock, but he was shy about our location, and having too many people around.  We talked some about future plans (he really wants to try cross dressing with me…another one of my kinks).  I really want to feel him in my ass without a condom.  All the times that I have been with a man, I have used protection, but I am dying to feel what it’s like to have bare skin in my ass, and to feel him ejaculate deep inside me.  Hopefully….

And tonight, I spent the better part of an hour chatting with a man, who is part of a couple that loves BDSM play.  If all goes well, I will be meeting them for the first time at their house this weekend to dress up as a woman, and play BDSM games with them, and another man.  Strange, dirty, and very exciting.

The whole situation is very confusing as you can imagine, yet I find myself drawn deeper and deeper into it…sigh…

The End of Summer

Here I am at the end of my summer…summer isn’t really over to me till Labor Day, but I go back to work on Wednesday.  I have had an awesome summer, lots of travel, camping, the beach, hiking, and just general relaxation.  It has been really nice.  I haven’t found answers to any of the questions that I have about my life, but that isn’t really a surprise to me.  I always think that I’ll find answers in the future, that I’ll focus on the problems, but then I never get around to it once it’s time.  I don’t know if that means that the answers aren’t to be found, or if I don’t want to find them.  I don’t know if I’ll ever quite know.

I do know that I have spend quite a lot of time distracting myself this summer on the computer…which takes me back to my questions of priorities, desires, etc.  I am a man with a wife and family.  I am a man with a loving mistress.  But here I find myself still trolling the internet, looking at all manner of kinky sex.  Not porn so much, although I do LOVE scanning Flikr for all sorts of wild pictures, but more looking at what real people post online, and ads for people looking for things on Craigslist.  What I am doing, except for looking for the next thrill, I am not sure.  I get some sort of banal pleasure out of it, but then I find myself feeling guilty for wasting time, for indulging in what would be seen by many as really negative behavior, and all sorts of thoughts in between.  Sigh……

Saying Goodbye

Today was quite a day.  I started off the day in a positive frame of mind, determined to take on the world.  I got up out of bed, and launched into a project that I have put off for years, partly out of feeling like it was over my head, and partly out of laziness, and partly because, my life didn’t allow me the time or energy to focus on it.  Much to my surprise, I finished it, with very little hassle, in just about 3.5 hours.  That was cool.

Then it was off to see my girlfriend (I’ll call her Amy).  I am a married man, with two children, and a pretty full life.  I have also been in a relationship with Amy for four years.  I’ll talk more about that as my blog rolls on, but Amy has been an amazing part of my life for the last 4 years.  The trouble is, I am losing her.  I’m losing her for several reasons.  First, my affair has been discovered twice.  I don’t want my marriage to end (yes I know, selfish etc…more on that later) and so she and I have been forced to be more and more discreet, and get less time together.  I’m also losing her because I changed jobs last year, and my work schedule and everything else gives us very little time together, when we used to have a lot.  She needs more, she needs a full time guy in her life.  I totally respect that, but I also don’t want to lose her.

We spent a nice afternoon, having lunch, having some of our rediculously amazing sex, and then hiking in the woods.  As we walked and talked and hiked it dawned on me that our relationship is nearing an end, or a major change at least.  I’ll be heading back to work in a couple of weeks, and so will she.  She has told me that she is going to start dating in the Fall, and I don’t know what will happen to us.

On the one hand I am a bit relieved, because my wife and I have been working on our marriage, and things HAVE improved.  I have less time for Amy, and at times I feel guilty about not having the time and attention for her.  On the other hand, I love her, and I don’t want to let her go.  She has been amazingly supportive of me, always there when I needed a boost, we have an amazing connection, and INCREDIBLE sexual chemistry.  Very hard to let all of that go. Sigh…. I don’t know what is to come, but I am sure I’ll share it with you…